Maam, I have some questions on the form that you filled out.It says here that you put 0 dollars on entertainment. Don't you go to movies or out to eat or any kind of entertainment?
No sir, we go home and watch video movies that we got dirt cheap at Wally World. We do go to a burger joint like once a month. So I guess you could say we do spend probably, high figure, 20 bucks a month on such things. We do other kinds of entertainment that don't cost no money, like window shoppin at flea markets and pawn shops. But that just cost for gas to get there. Oh, I forgot to mention that my husband likes to look through penny rolls, you know, he's hopein to find that 43 wheat penny that could make us rich. So I say we better add,oh let me see, he looks through 2 maybe 3 rolls a night so that would add up to 3 bucks, but he brings em back to the bank and just keeps the wheats so we better guestimate maybe 19 cents a night for the ones he keeps. That would add up to well, let's round it off to 2.50 cents a week for that. I don't think there's anything else on the entertainment to add on. Except when the grandkids come up to visit and look through pennies with Grandpa, they sure can eat a lotta popcorn. But that would be included in the food, right? Yes Maam.
Ok, Maam. Now it says here that you put 0 dollars on clothing per month, didn't you buy any type of clothing in the past year? Well, we did buy some underware for me. Mine were getting kinda stretched out. Gottem on sale so, yea I believe I spent 5.99 plus that darned tax on a 10 pack I believe. You better add that in. Gosh you are really pickin my brain on how much we do really spend.
That's our job Maam. Now you put 0 dollars down on the home mortgage. So, you have your home paid off?
Yes sir, 1986 double-wide. Raised all 5 kids in it. It's not on a permanent foundation or anything, just on blocks. It's saggin here and there you know. It ain't no mansion but it's still home. We need to fix the holes where the rats keep comin in but, I guess they gotta eat too. But we gotter paid off.
Maam, how much is your home worth? Well, we gotta 25,000 dollar insurance on it. But between you and me, it aint worth a plug nickle. I think the taxes per year are 88 dollars, I think that's too much. But it's home. Home is where the heart is, is what I keep tellin myself. That's what the Good Lord keeps tellin me too.
Maam,do you own the property that your home is on? Yes sir, it's done us good. We caught a lotta rabbits, turkey and deer for a lotta suppers throughout the years. Planted a garden every year too. That's why on that form I filled out that the food was round a 100 bucks a month. You can't get everything off the land. Gotta buy those ding dongs for them kids sometimes to make em feel like we're rich or somethin. Yep, the land sure has helped us survive when we were raisin our kids. Did you know that dandilions are pretty tasty with fried squirrel, better than fried chicken is what I say. They got raised good. The boys are over 6ft tall and the girls, don't have a bit a trouble poppin out those babies right and left. All of em married, got 10 grandkids so far. Hopin for 50.
Maam, you put 0 dollars down on car loans. You own your car?
Well, it's like this, my husband has a car lot in town and we just drive what is for sale. Killin 2 birds with one stone, right?
Maam, how many vehicles does he sell a month? Oh, if were lucky, one or two a month.
Maam, that must be pretty good income, how much do the car sales bring in per month?
Oh, I'd say if we don't have no major motor or trasmission problems on them, about 500.00 a month...
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Peaches, The New Yard Guy
Everyone that worked at the salvage yard, took turns diggin through
each new load of salvage vehicles that came in, to get loose change or whatever was worth anything. When a new guy would get hired, he had to be initiated. You know kinda like the Beta Capa Fi…no he didn’t have to swallow goldfish it was much better than that so we thought.
First they had to get him all psyched out by watchin the guys take turns getting their treasures from the new mother load of salvage vehicles that just came in. He was practically foamin at the mouth to have his turn. In his eyes, he saw tools, hand held radios, dollar bills, sometimes old silver coins that each man found. It was like receiving a bonus from the boss.
He’d been workin there for about a month when the next load came in. Initiation time! “Now Peaches, (they nicknamed him that because of his blonde/white hair and how green around the neck he was) we will pick out a real juicy fancy car and after lunch you get to dig through it all by yourself !”
While he was eatin lunch the guys put a fake hand with ketchup on it under the drivers seat of the chosen one for Peaches. He came around the corner and the excitement was all over his face. We all agged him on to start diggin. He first squished his hand in between the seats and was all excited about finding some coins. He then proceeded to look in the trunk, that’s where most of the guys found the big stuff, just a piece of luggage, pretty good shape, everyone clapped. The intensity of excitement was high. One guy said, “You forgot to look under the seats in the front. “Oh” he says. Finally, grasping the cold fake hand, his features on his face questioned, what can this be? Out it came, one cold hand grasped by a warm hand. I think if his hair wasn’t light enough, he would have done so that day. We will never forget how scared he was. He went home to recuperate from what he had just been through. Never did we do that again. (Not everybody can handle the sight of a grown boy cryin...
each new load of salvage vehicles that came in, to get loose change or whatever was worth anything. When a new guy would get hired, he had to be initiated. You know kinda like the Beta Capa Fi…no he didn’t have to swallow goldfish it was much better than that so we thought.
First they had to get him all psyched out by watchin the guys take turns getting their treasures from the new mother load of salvage vehicles that just came in. He was practically foamin at the mouth to have his turn. In his eyes, he saw tools, hand held radios, dollar bills, sometimes old silver coins that each man found. It was like receiving a bonus from the boss.
He’d been workin there for about a month when the next load came in. Initiation time! “Now Peaches, (they nicknamed him that because of his blonde/white hair and how green around the neck he was) we will pick out a real juicy fancy car and after lunch you get to dig through it all by yourself !”
While he was eatin lunch the guys put a fake hand with ketchup on it under the drivers seat of the chosen one for Peaches. He came around the corner and the excitement was all over his face. We all agged him on to start diggin. He first squished his hand in between the seats and was all excited about finding some coins. He then proceeded to look in the trunk, that’s where most of the guys found the big stuff, just a piece of luggage, pretty good shape, everyone clapped. The intensity of excitement was high. One guy said, “You forgot to look under the seats in the front. “Oh” he says. Finally, grasping the cold fake hand, his features on his face questioned, what can this be? Out it came, one cold hand grasped by a warm hand. I think if his hair wasn’t light enough, he would have done so that day. We will never forget how scared he was. He went home to recuperate from what he had just been through. Never did we do that again. (Not everybody can handle the sight of a grown boy cryin...
Floradine
My husband, Steve, worked at a Salvage yard for about 4 years when we lived in the Ozarks. The true stories he could tell you would make your head spin. Here’s a doozy. Now don’t fall off your rocker!
One day, this true to life hillbilly family (like the Beverly Hillbillies) walked into the motor building where Steve worked. They had a daughter that was of marryin age. Now you have to know that my husband would take off his wedding ring when he got to work and put it in his tool box so as not to damage it. I told him it would get him in to trouble some day.
This girl started eyeballing him and the parents noticed, so they proceeded to tell their daughter that they were going to look around so as to let her have time to get better aquainted if you know what I mean. Talk about bein trapped like a beaver!
She said flirty like, “I betcha can’t guess what my name is?” Steve was struck dumb. She gigglingly said, “My name is Floradine.” “Guess how I got named?” Steve nervously replied, “I have no idea.” It’s like this, my Mama was a doin dishes at the zink and she was due to have me. Well I just come so fast that Mama didn’t have time to catch me and I’s fell on the floor. So theys said lets just call her Floradine after where she was born. (Never get caught with your wedding ring off!)
One day, this true to life hillbilly family (like the Beverly Hillbillies) walked into the motor building where Steve worked. They had a daughter that was of marryin age. Now you have to know that my husband would take off his wedding ring when he got to work and put it in his tool box so as not to damage it. I told him it would get him in to trouble some day.
This girl started eyeballing him and the parents noticed, so they proceeded to tell their daughter that they were going to look around so as to let her have time to get better aquainted if you know what I mean. Talk about bein trapped like a beaver!
She said flirty like, “I betcha can’t guess what my name is?” Steve was struck dumb. She gigglingly said, “My name is Floradine.” “Guess how I got named?” Steve nervously replied, “I have no idea.” It’s like this, my Mama was a doin dishes at the zink and she was due to have me. Well I just come so fast that Mama didn’t have time to catch me and I’s fell on the floor. So theys said lets just call her Floradine after where she was born. (Never get caught with your wedding ring off!)
The One-Armed Salesman
When our kids were little, we went on a lot of Sunday afternoon drives. At that time in our life, we owned a Matador, 2 door sports car, looked pretty sci-fi for its time and we had to put all 5 of our kids in the back seat, no ac, just roll down windows. Well on one of our outings on a warm sunny day in June, we were checking out old rinky dink car lots. A favorite for any man like a woman loves window shopping.
Down in the old part of Topeka, an old hot rod red 60’s Chevy Station wagon caught our eyes. We proceeded to pull in as some of the older kids were yelling, “Are we gonna get a new car?” “No, just lookin.” All of us unloaded out of the car, the kids needed to stretch their legs and of coarse, explore this new found treasure. You could tell that it had been repainted and was pretty much no better than what we already had.
Uh oh, salesman comin our way. The kids noticed right off the bat that he only had only one arm. “Shhh don’t stare!” Of coarse this went in one ear and out the other. He introduced himself. “ Howdy, I’m Harold. This newly painted beauty you have before you was owned by an old lady, just take a look at the brake peddles, still look brand new, 100,000 plus miles don’t mean anything. It’s how it was taken care of.” Famous lines of an auto salesman… “Well we will think about it, just lookin around to see whats available.
“Kids, get in the car! Say goodbye to the nice man.” My son, Damian said, “Hey mister! How did ya get your arm cut off?” Everyone stood in dead embarrassing silence. Harold replied, well it’s like this, did your Mama or Daddy ever tell you not to play on the train tracks? “Yep” replied Damian. “Well, I didn’t listen to mine, so let this be a lesson to ya, you obey your Mama and you Daddy.
We hurried the kids in the car so that no more embarrassing questions would be asked. All loaded up and just as we were about to drive off, Damian yells at Harold, “Hey Mister! He whirled around to see where the voice was coming from and said, “What? Damian replied, “Watch out for trains!”
(Out of the mouths of babes.)
Down in the old part of Topeka, an old hot rod red 60’s Chevy Station wagon caught our eyes. We proceeded to pull in as some of the older kids were yelling, “Are we gonna get a new car?” “No, just lookin.” All of us unloaded out of the car, the kids needed to stretch their legs and of coarse, explore this new found treasure. You could tell that it had been repainted and was pretty much no better than what we already had.
Uh oh, salesman comin our way. The kids noticed right off the bat that he only had only one arm. “Shhh don’t stare!” Of coarse this went in one ear and out the other. He introduced himself. “ Howdy, I’m Harold. This newly painted beauty you have before you was owned by an old lady, just take a look at the brake peddles, still look brand new, 100,000 plus miles don’t mean anything. It’s how it was taken care of.” Famous lines of an auto salesman… “Well we will think about it, just lookin around to see whats available.
“Kids, get in the car! Say goodbye to the nice man.” My son, Damian said, “Hey mister! How did ya get your arm cut off?” Everyone stood in dead embarrassing silence. Harold replied, well it’s like this, did your Mama or Daddy ever tell you not to play on the train tracks? “Yep” replied Damian. “Well, I didn’t listen to mine, so let this be a lesson to ya, you obey your Mama and you Daddy.
We hurried the kids in the car so that no more embarrassing questions would be asked. All loaded up and just as we were about to drive off, Damian yells at Harold, “Hey Mister! He whirled around to see where the voice was coming from and said, “What? Damian replied, “Watch out for trains!”
(Out of the mouths of babes.)
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